Monday, October 1, 2012

When I'm Drained

Today, I am exhausted.

For the past 2 weeks, I have been struggling to feed my tongue-tied, lip-tied baby. Two weeks ago I found out she has been hungry her whole life.

Tomorrow I am taking her to get her tongue-tie and lip-tie clipped. I really don't want her to have to go through that.

Yesterday I visited my dad in the hospital. He is recovering from surgery in his battle against cancer.

Yesterday I left my baby girl at home with my husband for the first time ever. I was gone for 4 1/2 hours. We both had separation anxiety. Emerald's was so bad her body thought she was sick and responded with a fever. She had a fever of 101.3 by the time I got home.

In 23 days, my toddler will be put under general anesthesia to get caps put on her two front teeth. This terrifies me.

I recently discovered that my toddler is also lip-tied, explaining why she has always hated getting her teeth brushed, which is why she now has to get caps put on her front teeth (this also explains a long list of nursing and sleeping troubles).

My toddler just fell out of a rocking chair, biting her lip and scraping her chin. This was right after she showed me that she made a giant drooly, chocolatey grape juice stain on the teddy bear my husband gave me when we first got married.

Oh, and the ground beef I was going to cook for dinner smells like sour milk from being left in the fridge for too many days.

Today has been a hard day. Today, the thought that "I can't do this" has flooded my mind way too many times. Today I feel defeated.

I think every mom feels this way occasionally. It's not a physical tired (although as I'm typing I'm having a hard time keeping my eyes opened). It's an emotional exhaustion. I love my girls. I love my dad. It's hard to watch them hurting. I would so much rather go through pain myself than watch people I love in pain. It's heartbreaking.

On the hard days, I have to stop and remember the good moments. The best memories. I have to pay extra close attention so I can grab hold of those special times throughout the day. A giggle from my baby. A hug from my toddler. A joke with my husband. I have to remember how blessed I am to be the mom of two sweet little girls. It is a huge responsibility, being in charge of these precious lives. That's why I'm tired. I love them more than anything in the world. That's why watching them hurt hurts me so bad. But they are worth it.

Tonight I'm going to remember to be thankful to God for my family, and to trust Him with our future. I am thankful that my baby girl will soon be able to get all the nutrients she needs by simply nursing. I will trust God to help her through the procedure with no complications and as little emotional trauma as possible...for both of us. I am thankful for my toddler's priceless smile and precious laugh, and that soon her two front teeth will no longer be sore. I will trust God that He will protect her from harmful side effects or allergic reactions from the anesthesia. I am thankful that my dad made it through surgery, and that he was strong enough for a good visit yesterday...and he was smiling. I will trust that God gives him the strength to keep fighting this battle with cancer...and win.

Tomorrow I'm going to get up and try a little harder. Have a better attitude. Focus on those special moments and try to create as many as I can. Tomorrow my baby is having oral surgery. But she's alive. She's healthy. And I figured out the reason for her failure to gain weight before any permanent damage was done. So I am thankful. Tomorrow will be hard. But it's going to be a good day. Because I will remember how blessed I am to be a part of my family. To be married to my amazing husband and to be a mom to my precious girls. To be raised by my dad and have the privilage of being able to call myself a daddy's girl growing up, and to be raised by my mom who I still talk to about everything. To grow up with four siblings and still be good friends with each of them. Tonight I am drained. But I am blessed. So tomorrow will be a good day.

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