For the past 2 weeks, I have been struggling to feed my tongue-tied, lip-tied baby. Two weeks ago I found out she has been hungry her whole life.
Yesterday I visited my dad in the hospital. He is recovering from surgery in his battle against cancer.
Yesterday I left my baby girl at home with my husband for the first time ever. I was gone for 4 1/2 hours. We both had separation anxiety. Emerald's was so bad her body thought she was sick and responded with a fever. She had a fever of 101.3 by the time I got home.
I recently discovered that my toddler is also lip-tied, explaining why she has always hated getting her teeth brushed, which is why she now has to get caps put on her front teeth (this also explains a long list of nursing and sleeping troubles).
My toddler just fell out of a rocking chair, biting her lip and scraping her chin. This was right after she showed me that she made a giant drooly, chocolatey grape juice stain on the teddy bear my husband gave me when we first got married.
Oh, and the ground beef I was going to cook for dinner smells like sour milk from being left in the fridge for too many days.
Today has been a hard day. Today, the thought that "I can't do this" has flooded my mind way too many times. Today I feel defeated.
I think every mom feels this way occasionally. It's not a physical tired (although as I'm typing I'm having a hard time keeping my eyes opened). It's an emotional exhaustion. I love my girls. I love my dad. It's hard to watch them hurting. I would so much rather go through pain myself than watch people I love in pain. It's heartbreaking.
On the hard days, I have to stop and remember the good moments. The best memories. I have to pay extra close attention so I can grab hold of those special times throughout the day. A giggle from my baby. A hug from my toddler. A joke with my husband. I have to remember how blessed I am to be the mom of two sweet little girls. It is a huge responsibility, being in charge of these precious lives. That's why I'm tired. I love them more than anything in the world. That's why watching them hurt hurts me so bad. But they are worth it.
Tomorrow I'm going to get up and try a little harder. Have a better attitude. Focus on those special moments and try to create as many as I can. Tomorrow my baby is having oral surgery. But she's alive. She's healthy. And I figured out the reason for her failure to gain weight before any permanent damage was done. So I am thankful. Tomorrow will be hard. But it's going to be a good day. Because I will remember how blessed I am to be a part of my family. To be married to my amazing husband and to be a mom to my precious girls. To be raised by my dad and have the privilage of being able to call myself a daddy's girl growing up, and to be raised by my mom who I still talk to about everything. To grow up with four siblings and still be good friends with each of them. Tonight I am drained. But I am blessed. So tomorrow will be a good day.